


Wipe Him

by happyhyppy (orphan_account)



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Brainwashing, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Psychological Torture, Swearing, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-18
Updated: 2014-11-18
Packaged: 2018-02-25 19:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2633714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/happyhyppy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James "Bucky" Barnes, The Winter Soldier, they're one in the same... right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wipe Him

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So, basically this is Post-Winter Soldier events, and Bucky is safe with Steve now, recounting the events that happened to him. Obviously this contains Captain America spoilers, so please take that into account if you have not yet seen Captain America: The Winter Soldier. If you have, tolerance to the violence that occurred is completely up to you. I hope you enjoy!

**Wipe Him**

 

"It was me... but it wasn't me. It's like I know everything that happened, everything I did with  _my_ hands, but it's still not all there. It's not completely clear yet. It couldn't have been me. It  _wasn't_ me! I mean, it was me but it wasn't  _me_ me, you know?"

Steve didn't. But he tried his best to understand his best friend's ranting. Therefore, he simply nodded and let Bucky continue.

"They did stuff to me, you know? Real dark shit. I can remember it in pieces and fragments." He squinted and pinched at his temples. "It's like it hurts, just trying to remember it all. I barely remember how they found me, and I definitely have no clue how I survived all these years. I'm still not sure how  _you_ survived all these years."

"Ice, remember?" Steve said in a calm and lowly voice.

"Right, the whole frozen-for-extended-periods-of-time thing. How could I have forgotten something so simple?" His sarcasm didn't go undetected, but Steve didn't make a comment. He was too focused on trying to get Bucky to remember everything, though it was proving to be more difficult than he anticipated. 

"Do you remember falling?" Steve asked, and simply bringing it up made his heart pang within his chest. He thought he had lost his best friend, his only friend. Now he knows the truth. Bucky had been turned into something completely different than the man he was before - he had become a killing machine, one that knows only the life of torture Hydra subjected him to. There were times when Steve wondered if it would have been better if Bucky didn't survive the fall after all. He knew it was selfish, but he couldn't help himself. Having Bucky back now, however, made Steve certain that he's glad he lived after all. 

"Yeah," Bucky breathed. "I remember falling off the train. I thought I had died... but then I remember someone finding me. Everything was blurry, and my arm hurt like hell. Well, lack thereof an arm." He plucked the metal arm he had been given as a replacement, and it made a loud clang. "It's weird. I'm still not quite used to this thing, though I probably should be by now."

"I think it makes you look pretty badass." Steve added. Bucky couldn't help but laugh, knowing that the arm, did indeed, look badass. But that alone didn't satisfy him. He wanted to remember everything that happened to him, and the events that led to him getting back to Steve. What had they done to him in order to make him forget who he was completely? And even worse, what had they done to make him want to kill Steve?

"I mean... fuck!" He shouted, and he swiped everything off of the table with his metallic arm. His face was red, and he was pissed. Steve backed away instinctively, but slowly came back when he saw the hurt in Bucky's eyes. He hadn't meant to startle him. Everything landed with a crash, and the glasses that were once sitting there were now shattered on the ground beneath them. "Shit, dude, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, seriously," He said as he gathered the things on the floor that hadn't broken. "Just calm down, and take your time remembering things. I can tell you some, but not much."

"Anything, please."

"I know that they had wiped your memory, though I'm not one-hundred percent sure how. You must've survived the fall, and they fixed up your arm. The only logical way you could be the same age is if they did the same thing to you that happened to me."

"That frozen shit?"

"Yeah," He replied. "And, dude, you've got to learn how to censor yourself. It's out of control." He was laughing, and so was Bucky, because they both knew how bad his potty mouth could get. 

"Sorry man, I'll try my best. But no promises." 

"Alright, now where was I?"

"Frozen shi- I mean, they froze me, or something like that."

"Right. Okay so after that all I know is that I became your mission, meaning Hydra wanted you to kill me." Steve said. Bucky was listening quietly and intently, tucking a strand of hair that had fallen out of his small bun back behind his ear. 

"But I remembered you..." Bucky's voice was quiet. Steve almost didn't hear him.

"Barely. I tried to jog your memory, but nothing seemed to work. I'm still surprised you didn't kill me when you had the chance." He said with a surprised tone of voice. "You saved me actually." He added.

"No, I did know you. I knew you before that." He was focused on a detail that he couldn't quite remember. It was as if he had tuned the rest of the world out so he could focus on decoding this piece of the puzzle. "I told them. I- I told Hydra that I knew you. They... they got pissed, said something about having to wipe me." He stopped.

"Wipe you? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Wipe me... They strapped me down, put something in my mouth, and the next thing I know, I'm screaming out in pain. I'm muffled, but they know I'm screaming." Bucky's hands were trembling now at the mere thought of remembering what they did to him. He hated knowing that they had complete and utter control over him and everything he did.

"So, what? They electrocuted you, or brainwashed you?" Steve was growing more and more confused as Bucky grew more and more certain of himself.

"Yeah, and it wasn't the first time. I'd remembered you before that, too, but they kept wiping me. They didn't want me to remember you, so-"

"So you could finish your mission." Steve filled it in for him. They looked at each other with a certain security that they had not previously known. Bucky knew now, and so did Steve. They knew exactly what had happened, and why he became The Winter Soldier.

"So... it was me then, wasn't it? After everything, The Winter Soldier is just me. No excuses." Bucky hated every word that came out of his mouth. It felt infected, poisoned, like something was wrong.

"You didn't know what you were doing."

"I'm the bad guy."

"No!" Steve insisted. "They brainwashed you, Buck. You didn't have any say in what you did. They made you think certain things. You were... a puppet. You were Hydra's puppet."

"But it was still _me_! I killed those people, didn't I? Hell, I almost killed you." He paused to take a deep, shaky breath. "Am I a villain, Steve?" Bucky couldn't control his emotions like he had hoped to. He found himself wiping away stray tears - tears that made him feel weak. He hated feeling weak.

"Would you shut up and listen to me?" Now Steve had shouted and gotten Bucky's full attention. "You're _not_ a villain. You're  _not_ a bad guy whatsoever. You're James Buchanan Barnes. You're my best friend who would stand up for me every single time I got myself into trouble. You're a good man, Bucky. Sure, you've done some bad things, but that doesn't define you as a whole. Okay?" Steve spoke with confidence, one that Bucky was still not quite used to. But for the first time in a long time, Bucky felt as if he were truly one of the good guys. The idea of him being a deadly assassin lingered in his mind, however, and something told himself that it would never go away.

"Okay, little man." They both laughed, and Bucky gave Steve a pat on the back with his bionic arm, albeit it was much too hard. They both talked for a while longer as Steve told him as much as he could about the Avengers Initiative.

* * *

 

"So, this dude Thron-"

"Thor," Steve corrected.

"Right," Bucky dismissed. "Thor's brother-"

"Adopted brother,"

"Okay..." Bucky was beginning to get annoyed, but he ignored it and simply kept speaking. "Thor's  _adopted_ brother, Logan-"

"Loki,"

"Fucking hell man, would you let me speak?" Bucky's words spilled out before he had a chance to censor himself. To Bucky's surprise, Steve burst out in a fit of laughter, nearly turning red in the face.

"Sorry dude, but it's not my fault you suck with names. And words. And just, in general."

"Ha, how funny." Bucky said dryly. "Now would you please let me finish?"

"Go right ahead," Steve confirmed. 

The two talked for quite a while longer about a multitude of different topics. Bucky attempted to get caught up, though Steve himself was not exactly the best to teach him. While they spoke, Bucky began wondering if things could have been different. He wondered whether or not falling and surviving was a blessing or a curse. He never came up with an answer. All he knew was that he would still do anything for Steve. Whether that's defying orders, seeking revenge, or anything in between. There was one thing Bucky knew with absolute certainty: He would follow Steve to the end of the line.

 


End file.
